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The State of the Corpora…Ah…Union

State of the UnionMy Fellow Americans,

The mistakes that were made in the years leading up to 2008 have been corrected, and we are recovering. Not only is the stock market booming but the massive corporate welfare program my buddy George and I began in 2008 has succeeded in restoring your wealth so effectively that you will soon need no more welfare at all…except for the regular things, like the oil corporation subsidy–which, I might point out, I was able to protect for you one more time. (Laughter)

 I also kept all of you protected from embarrassing court trials, you may recall, after, well, mistakes were made. Not only is your future secured, my fellow Americans but those unfortunate other Americans who did not have what it takes to retain their jobs are no longer unemployed: they are simply not counted, all 20,000,000 of them.

And not just that! We are proud to announce that along with thus lowering unemployment, we have also succeeded in handing out food stamps to the largest percentage of Americans ever in history. But perhaps the single most important accomplishment of all is that the revolutionary new concept of “one dollar, one vote” has become the law of the land–with hardly a whimper of protest from that Great New Middle Class that was supposed to have been the champion defender of democracy. And all the while that crass, ever-so-cutely named “Patriot Act” remains on the books, in force, ready to smash down those who are not team players. Need I point out that no Neo-Con could have achieved this – only a leader capable of talking to liberals in their own language could have maintained in force a law that sends Constitutional guarantees of civil liberties straight to the archives!

In foreign affairs as well our accomplishments will go down in the history books. The long, agonizing effort to establish permanent military bases in Iraq has been replaced by the far more sophisticated method of permanent drone warfare against the enemies of the corporations that continue to build the global economy. Even as the domestic troublemakers who thought they could “occupy” our street have been blown into orbit, our old friends are back in control of Egypt, and with all the chaos in Iraq making the headlines, the U.S. military has moved firmly into place in Africa. As for Afghanistan, fear not: “we” are not leaving.

Hand-in-hand, we who are privileged to do our modest part here in Washington and you, the great corporate leaders, stride together into the future on the two legs of domestic wealth transfer from that old-fashioned New Deal middle class that was becoming so problematic and international wealth transfer from hapless third world state lets into the hands of 21st century leaders who know how to make history.

We are beginning a new era. The Neo-Cons, give them their due, accomplished the great task of killing the ever-so-dull New Deal process of creating a fat and lazy middle class, but the Neo-Cons were, frankly, pathetically barbaric, troglodytes even, not 21st century guys at all. Today, we modern types are in charge, and your wealth is more secure than ever, protected by a host of new presidential powers – presidential wars to be sure (nod to the Neo-Cons) but fought by intelligence agencies in the field and guys with joysticks safe back at home, domestic spying that can almost read the thoughts of every little citizen, a host of new regulatory procedures so complicated they will never be enforced, a justice system so crippled that only the most carefully selected scapegoats will ever be put on trial. Welcome to America the Neo-Lib!

Today, we are more secure than ever. It was once believed that America needed a world safe for business. Not true! Chaos is opportunity. Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Egypt are in flames yet offer historic opportunities for American business. While I am keeping Iranian oil off the world market, Iraqi oil is set to boom, with $100 billion about to be invested by Exxon-Mobile and other Western oil companies. Meanwhile, legendary Afghan mineral resources are being identified.

The little people have their gay marriage controversies, their endlessly complicated health care options (that still enrich our great pharmaceutical and health insurance corporations), their occasional terrorist scares, and the endless battle over which type of guns they will be allowed to use to kill each other with, while we stand secure, making history together.


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