September is a grand month for traditions. Fresh pencils and tablets for the upcoming school year. The approach of fall as evidenced by the turning of the leaves. International Talk Like a Pirate Day on the 19th. The official start to the NFL season with the filing of the first domestic abuse charge.
It is also when we welcome our elected representatives back from the grueling recess they are forced to spend fund- raising in their home districts. The time when they finally come back to work. Or rather back to a busy schedule of non- work. Back to ducking all the important issues in the manner of 535 totally oblivious plastic Whack- A- Mole rodents during a power surge.
Hopefully they did find some time to relax, because in even numbered years, the post Labor Day period marks the bare knuckles return of the American political process playoffs; with elections less than 2 months away, looming like a gorilla on steroids in the pantry.
We here at Durstco have always been curious as to exactly what it is that our country’s top polticos do to recharge for this stretch run. How do they recline and unwind? And now that this piece is finally set up, it is with great pride, that we share the results of our exhaustive investigative research and reveal for the very first time: How They Spent Their Summer Vacation.
- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell learned how to say “No!” in 14 different languages.
- Vice President Joe Biden journeyed to a clinic in Switzerland for a charisma implant, which alas, didn’t take.
- Florida Senator Marco Rubio held a series of mock debates with himself on the subject of immigration and lost every single one.
- President Barack Obama traded his foreign policy legacy for the chance to lower his handicap by a stroke.
- Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan binge watched all 6 seasons of Breaking Bad.
- Arizona Senator John McCain accepted the Curmudgeon Society of America’s “Man of the Year Award.” For the 12th consecutive time.
- Secretary of State John Kerry wept like a little baby.
- The 4 Conservative Justices of the Supreme Court battled the 4 Liberal Justices on the Supreme Court for the soul of Anthony Kennedy.
- Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took remedial hugging lessons while surreptitiously measuring the White House drapes.
- Michele Bachmann rehearsed a Republican presidential nomination acceptance speech.
- Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush looked into legally changing his name to something less incendiary. Like Manson or Hitler.
- Speaker of the House John Boehner caught some bitchin rays.
- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid came up with a list of 48 ways to trick the GOP into shutting down the government. Again.
- Chris Christie won a “Silly Donkey” trophy for losing 1.7 pounds after 3 weeks at Gordon Ramsey’s Hell Camp for Fatties.
- Kentucky Senator Rand Paul held a series of mock debates with himself on the subject of foreign intervention and won every single one.
- Mitt Romney practiced casting a reflection in a mirror.
- Texas Senator Ted Cruz huddled with a team of Mayo Clinic neurologists in an attempt to tweak his meds. To no avail.
- Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers rented a private island and used bow and arrows to hunt down captured homeless veterans.
Copyright © 2014, Will Durst
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