You got to love Thanksgiving. You do. It’s the law. And be honest; doesn’t a little tryptophan poisoning amongst family and friends sound pretty comforting right about now? What with Ebola infested ISIS members slithering across the border carrying photos of Bill Cosby ogling Kim Kardashian’s butt? Besides, this holiday isn’t about greasing the wheels of capitalism with the fire hose of consumer debt like that other one just down the road.
This one is about gluttony. Pure and simple. And the only attendant religiosity is praying the Cowboys lose. So allow me to express my gratitude for the 4th Thursday of November: it’s annual appearance being one of the little moments that makes life worth living. Right up until the 4th bottle of white Zin, when Aunt Hoogolah informs Uncle Bud how Grandpa characterized his turkey carving and all hell breaks loose. Nevertheless, here’s a few more blessed things that prompt this middle- aged, round- headed, political comic to get down on his knees and thank the maker.
- Barack Obama. Upcoming 3rd year of his 2nd term promises much bigger, knock- down, drag- out fights with the Republicans. Not to mention… the Democrats.
- Chris Christie for so generously providing the comedy community with such a target rich environment including his Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Float- the only one which is actual size.
- Anchor Steam Christmas Ale. Especially this year
- Hillary Clinton who since 1992, no matter how much effluvium gets thrown at her, just keeps on keeping on, like the Energizer Bunny on steroids.
- Ted Cruz for being crazier than Norman Bates after a dip in a psilocybin bath riddled with corn fungus.
- The International Panel on Climate Change for finally just throwing up its hands and playing darts while drinking beer on the patio.
- Sarah Palin, because she just can’t help herself.
- Bill Clinton, because he just can’t help himself.
- Fox News for incrementally ramping up the vitriol and hyperbole with the obvious goal of eventually featuring giant lizards spitting and clawing at each other.
- Kim Kardashian who determinedly refuses to allow any lack of discernible talent keep her from becoming famous.
- The entire Toronto Ford family including Rob and brother Doug for making American politicians feel better about themselves.
- The airline industry who have driven customers to stow away amongst the landing gear in their never- ending search for legroom.
- Donald Sterling who with his lifetime NBA ban should live to be 110.
- Black Friday Creep for providing the requisite distraction allowing we gluttons to cop extra portions of pie.
- For whoever is marrying Charles Manson. Just because.
- For the entire State of Florida. Just because.
- Harry Reid, for steadfastly refusing to be part of the solution.
- Pope Francis and Pope Benedict, because 2, two, too Popes are better than one.
- The 22nd Amendment: which, for 67 years, has proudly kept the American people from making the same mistake more than twice.
- The GOP, waging an internal war for it’s very soul. GOP Soul. Short book. Put it on the shelf right next to Barack Obama Leadership Skills.
- The Newly Elected 114th Congress. Because if you liked the 113th Congress, you’re going to love these guys. Exponential factor gridlock.
Copyright © 2014, Will Durst.
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