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The New Ice Age

ICE AGE

“And that’s it for sports.”

“Thank you Robert for the fascinating premier of your exclusive in- depth Channel 7, twelve- part series on underinflated balls, Can’t wait to see what balls you have for us tomorrow. And now, here’s Wayne with our exclusive Channel 7 Eyewitness Weather and your new up- to- the- minute national weather report, brought to you by Easy- the drug that will make you never wonder why. Ever again.”

“Well, thanks Padma. Hello Foggy Bottom. Batten down the hatches people, because it’s about to get chilly out there. Not just cold. Long Island Ice Tea on a Vermont porch in January cold. Nostril hair cracking cold. Ice cube tray down your pants cold. Tongue stuck to the flagpole cold. Beyonce’s sister talking to Jay- Z cold.
 
Due to a stubborn high- pressure system emanating from the bases of both the left and the right, the immediate political forecast is for a long hard freeze to descend upon Washington DC and stay there. After that, arctic relations are expected to crystalize, until all political activity grinds to a halt in the same kind of gridlock that sang the Wooly Mammoths to their rest.
 
The long- term outlook isn’t any rosier. Expect increasing rhetoric with gusts of empty blather to result in virtual legislative permafrost. Storm clouds are gathering and the Doppler Radar indicates the Capital climate will become so incredibly frigid, the entire country is at risk of freezing solid over the next two years. And maybe longer, as the tropical winds of compromise appear to have been eaten by El Nino.
 
On one side, you have a decidedly frosty GOP Congress promising that anything and everything the President sends is DOA. The issue could be the Republican dream of tort reform but if it comes from the desk of the Chief Executive- color it El Morte.
 
While a distinctly icy Barack Obama has announced he’s prepared to unleash a blizzard of VETOs on any legislation that threatens his legacy. Which theoretically is anything. These two clashing icebox fronts could rival in intensity the cyclonic activity that has engulfed the great red spot on Jupiter for over 300 years.
 
The two sides are so far apart they can’t see each other due to the curvature of the earth. And the lack of even glacial progress insures that snowy drifts of abandoned bills will accumulate on Congressional desks. So, like normal; only more so.
 
Folks out there in our viewing area might want to make a quick trip into town for provisions, because the biting winds and refrigerated relationships are going to make a hundred polar vortexes look downright balmy.
 
With bitterly biting ideological winds, heavy rains of disregard and no relief in sight, the 114th Congress looks destined to earn the nickname of… The New Ice Age. As they say in Game of Thrones: “Winter is Coming!” And not just any winter: nuclear winter.
 
So there you have it. The new up- to- the- minute exclusive Channel 7 national weather report, brought to you by Easy- the drug that will make you never wonder why. Ever again. Stay tuned as Heather unveils exclusive footage of how a rescue of baby kittens from a discarded piano makes for beautiful music. And cute too.” 


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