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Humor by Lawrence Velvel
 
In an exclusive interview, President B. Rack O’Bomber disclosed he did not heed the advice of Pentagon authorities to reject the NoBull Peace Prize on the ground it sometimes had been awarded to pro-peace figures, making the NoBull Committee a bunch of hypocrites.

Rather, O’Bomber said, he believes the NoBull Committee “have now seen the light of American exceptionalism, that they now recognize the truth of the American theory of making peace as we continuously did with Native Americans, with the Philippines Insurrectionists, with Germany and Japan, with Viet Nam, and so forth.”

O’Bomber told interviewer Lawrence Velvel that in order to obtain peace, you must first have war, explaining, “To have peace in 1918, nations first had to fight World War I. How could peace have broken out in 1918 without first fighting World War 1?”
 
The president said he felt humble in accepting the peace prize as his accomplishments are so much less than those of deserving past recipients. “I am only fighting two wars and, more importantly by far, I have only been fighting wars for a brief amount of time.” By comparison, he noted, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger and Viet Nam diplomat Le Duc Tho “managed to implement the theory of peace through war by keeping the Viet Nam War going for four years or so.”
 
O’Bomber denied that his current war in Goniffstan was in any way analogous to Viet Nam. In that country, “the American government made terrible, anti-historical mistakes without giving serious thought to the problem. Here we are making terrible anti-historical mistakes after thinking about the problem. We even thought about it extensively.”
 
“These facts make all the difference,” O’Bomber continued. “It’s one thing to be idiotic without thinking about something. It’s another thing to be idiotic after thinking about it. So there can be no historical analogy.” He added, “Although military men wanted to fight in Viet Nam, and military men want to fight in Goniffstan, they are different military men. So there can be no historical analogy.”
 
The president noted that “Gonniff” in Yiddish means “thief” and Goniffstan “has warlords who steal, a government that steals and citizens who steal” and that stealing “will never stop” there. “We are fighting to create an honest country, and that will never happen, so I will be able to fight in Goniffstan for years and years. Ultimately, I will be as deserving of the NoBull Peace Prize as Kissinger and Le Duc Tho,” O’Bomber said.
 
He would have no hesitation in invading what he called Yeahman, the President said, if members of Al Qaeda congregated there, as is being reported. “Look, they tell me that there are only 100 members of Al Qaeda left in Gonnifstan. That’s good. It will enable us to destroy large swaths of the country without strong opposition. It will also enable us to invade Pakistan to kill the rest of the Al Qaedas without large numbers of American soldiers being tied down in Goniffstan.”

What’s more, O’Bomber pointed out, “The government of Pakistan welcomes an invasion. It has publicly made a statement saying “We welcome the U.S. invasion. Please bring in 50,000 heavily armed American troops with destructive artillery and fighter bombers.”
 
On another matter, President O’Bomber commented on his allusion to the Rev. Martin Luther King in his acceptance speech. “What did his non-violence ever accomplish?” he asked. “I’ll tell you in one sentence, all it accomplished is that it got him shot by some Hitlerite who did not believe in non-violence, no less.” O’Bomber added, “The same is true for Gandhi. “All that non-violent crap just got him shot too. And nobody gave a damn about India anyway until it developed the atomic bomb. Then people started to listen to India, including Pakistan, which listened so hard that it developed its own bomb, called the Kashmiri Special.”

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