Modern life can get awfully complicated. And in our continuing quest to navigate these state- of- the- art raging rapids while keeping body and mind upright, we should be forgiven the occasional tendency to overthink things. (like the previous sentence) Often, making it worse. What America really needs right now are some simple common- sense solutions. And we here at Durstco are honored to offer up a couple of modest proposals.
The California Drought. It is estimated there are over 1100 golf courses in the Golden State. How hard would it be to replace all the fairways with green colored cement? Quick and easy way to save thousands of gallons of water a day. On the plus side, golfers get true bounces and double distance on drives; resulting in lower scores, precipitating a rise in self- esteem. It’s the ultimate California win- win.
Homeless Problem. Give the indigent all across the country free bus tickets to New Orleans. They’d fit right in with all the Phish fans who never left after the band’s various Jazz Fest appearances.
Gay Marriages. All gay wedding planners in states that discriminate should order double wedding cakes with 2 grooms and 2 brides on top and then when the magic moment arrives, toss the superfluous genders away. Or let the new spouses eat them.
Keeping Iran From Getting The Nuclear Bomb. Hand Israel a map to all Iranian nuclear production sites. Oh wait, they probably already have it. Never mind.
Traffic Congestion. Any moving violation or parking ticket results in a driver’s license being taken away for 30 days. Of course, Uber drivers will rule the world. As long as they don’t get a ticket.
Education. More nuns.
Rising Income Inequality. Take a little money from all the really rich people and give it to really poor people to kind of even things out. Novel idea, but bet it would work.
Obesity. 3rd story kitchens.
Drugs. All drugs are legalized, but can only be purchased from state government outlets. Then merge operations with Department of Motor Vehicles.
Climate Change. Just ignore it. It will go away. Or we will.
Corrupt Politicians. Whenever a politician is caught lying, cheating or stealing, they are legally bound to participate in an aversion therapy program and forced to watch recordings of Joe McCarthy while riding a stationary bike next to Lance Armstrong who exhorts them to “move it, Chubby” through a bullhorn.
Voter Turnout. Free pizzas. But only one to a customer. Even in Chicago.
Federal Debt. Just ignore it. It will go away. Or we will.
Greed- Centric Corporations. More nuns.
Economic Growth. Inveigle Starbucks to increase caffeine content of drinks by 10%. Prompting people to stay up longer, leading to a corresponding leap in consumer purchasing.
Racism. Once a year, each registered voter receives a one night’s stay in a 5 star hotel with all expenses paid, and after an extended trip to the hosted bar, is encouraged to enter a darkened ballroom with mattresses covering the floor and everyone hooks up with members of the opposite sex with total legal impunity. Within 3 generations, the whole country will be the exact same color. Tawny.
So there you have it. Some simple common sense solutions to save this country stress. No need to thank us, we’re only here to help.
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