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Frequently Asked Questions: Benghazi Hearings Edition

Hillary Clinton

Q. Isn’t Benghazi the guy who used to pal around with John Cassavetes back in the 60s?

A. No. That was Ben Gazzara.

Q. Isn’t Benghazi the guy who used to pal around with John Cassavetes back in the 60s?

A. No. That was Ben Gazzara.

Q. What’s all this then?

A. These Benghazi hearings were Republican lawmakers’ 8th attempt to blame Hillary Clinton for the death of 4 Americans during an attack on our compound in Libya back in 2012.

Q. How come when 3,000 people die on 911, and over 250 people in Beirut, George Bush and Ronald Reagan are heroes, but 4 people are killed in Benghazi and Hillary Clinton is responsible?

A. Good question.

Q. According to the Republicans, what else is Hillary’s fault?

A. The Challenger Space Shuttle explosion. Sinking of the Lusitania. Season Two of “True Detective,” and global warming, which by the way, doesn’t exist.

Q. Did the former New York Senator have reason to feel confident coming into this face- off?

A. Positively cocky. Biden just pulled out, and two other Democratic competitors quit following the first debate.

Q. 3 with one blow, eh. She’s a Brave Little Tailor. Weren’t there also some GOP political machinations in the preceding weeks?

A. Kevin McCarthy told a reporter the hearings were a political hatchet job, and was forced to give up his run for Speaker of the House.

Q. Ouch. So, what happened?

A. The goal to damage the former First Lady’s Presidential prospects had a hitch in the proceedings.

Q. Did Hillary seem in command? 

A. Practically presidential. Her grasp of foreign policy was massive. Looked like a convention of field mice had invited a red tailed- hawk as their keynote speaker. She even managed not to smirk when the panel started arguing amongst themselves.

Q. Was there blowback?

A. Like when you spit into the wind, most of the effluvium landed on the ejaculators.

Q. Can we work clean?

A. It’s a scientific term.

Q. Unh- hunh. Who was responsible for the attack, Sidney Blumenthal?

A. Listening to head marsupial of this kangaroo court, you would think so.

Q. The chairman being… ?

A. South Carolina Congressman Harold Watson Gowdy III. AKA: Trey. Short for… the Three. If he has a son and calls him Harold Watson Gowdy IV, his nickname will either be Ivy or Quat.

Q. What’s the deal with the GOP obsession with Hillary?

A. Nobody knows why the former First Lady makes these guys short- circuit like a jerry- rigged space heater with a frayed cord during a power surge, but she does.

Q. Is it possible Bill’s wife may have overplayed her noble weary patience?

A. Perhaps just a tad. Especially the part where she pretends to be this 67 year old grandma befuddled by her email, when everybody knows in her spare time she’s knocking out encrypted navigation codes for NSA drones to skirt no- fly zones.

Q. Dumbest question?

A. Might have been the Congressman who asked if Ambassador Stevens ever visited Secretary of State Clinton at her home.

Q. What’s so dumb about that?  

A. She lives in New York. The Libyan Ambassador lives in Libya.

Q. Can we mark this thing finally over?

A. Fraid not. Chairman Gowdy channeled the Chicago Cubs, saying, “wait till next round.”

Q. Oh boy. Holding my breath.

A. You and me and Joe Maddon.

Q. Who’s he?

A. Cubs’ manager.

Copyright © 2015, Will Durst.


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