Comedy is a delicate business and should be left to the trained professionals. So the next time Donald Trump announces his intention to be purposefully amusing in a public setting, we need to respond properly, and that proper response is: “God. No. Please. In the Name of all that is holy, stop. Don’t do it. Think of the children.”
The day after the final presidential debate, at the Al Smith Dinner at the Waldorf- Astoria, the two major party candidates were invited to tell some jokes, and to say the results were underwhelming is like inferring that gravel dusted with uranium flakes makes a non- nutritious breakfast cereal even swimming in milk.
Bill Clinton and Barack Obama were good at this sort of thing. It’s called a routine for a reason. And when George W Bush and Mitt Romney are held up as comedic geniuses, you know something has gone horribly awry.
Hillary Clinton couldn’t tell a joke if the life of a small Haitian child depended on it, but gamely persevered and got off a couple of decent zingers. A few at her own expense. But once again, Donald Trump seemed intent on disrupting another grand old tradition: the one that involves attaching punch lines to the end of jokes.
You’d think a clown would have better timing. And make- up. Especially Mr. Hometown Boy whose big claim is being able to read a room. This campaign apparently has blinded him so badly he needs Lasik surgery.
Also he failed to demonstrate the faintest notion of how to deal with a heckler. So, perhaps a few classic lines can be offered up should the occasion arise again. This could possibly happen in another four years.
- Oh yeah, well if you’re so smart, how come I’m President?
- I’m sorry sir, are you a Democrat? I’ll talk slower.
- Nice shirt. Somewhere in Yonkers, there’s a Pinto without seat covers.
- Is that your face or are you celebrating Halloween early?
- Further proof why kids shouldn’t play football without helmets.
- Don’t mess with me, I got a microphone, I’ll just make up stuff you said.
- Easy to see why he’s excited. His colonoscopy report came back. Good news: they found his head.
- Do I come to your work and knock the broom out of your hand?
- Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date.
- The 70s called. They want their hair back.
- I’d love to have a battle of wits, but my daddy taught me never to fight an unarmed man.
- Definitive proof that Darwin was wrong.
- Oh, yeah, you and what focus group?
- Please sir, put down the gun.
- That’s all right. I remember my first glass of cheap champagne too.
- Oh, I’m sorry sir, are you a Republican? I’ll talk slower.
- Excuse me sir, your village called, they want their idiot back.
- Usually when people donate their brain to science, they wait till they’re dead.
- Another example of why political consultants eat their young.
- Anybody here speak Quaalude?
- I’m sorry but the moron convention met yesterday. In France.
- Isn’t it a shame when Hillary supporters marry?
- Do you talk to your third wife with that mouth?
- I understand a bus for your hometown is leaving soon. Why don’t you and Elizabeth Warren get under it?
Copyright © 2016, Will Durst.
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